Parental Power

World travel can sometimes seem like a luxury or far-off dream, especially for families who have children.  Michelle and Dale Bartlett have children and also travel the world on a regular basis for literally the cost of food and fun.  In our last episode of Parental Power, we talked with Dale and Michelle about enriching the family experience through travel, recreation, and humanitarian service all over the world.  In this follow-up episode, Dale and Michelle share some of the simple secrets of making this happen for very little cost out of pocket.  This conversation will have you planning your next family vacation to Europe or South America rather than the backyard.  Get inspired here and then work out the details through their website: http://www.havekids-willtravel.com.

Tags: family travel, low cost travel, Travel, Traveling with Kids

Parents do their best to provide all of the basics that their kids and family need.  In this episode of Parental Power, Dr. Paul and Vicki are joined by Dale and Michelle Bartlett, who have become known as the family travel experts.  The Bartletts have discovered ways to truly enrich their family experience through travel, recreation, and humanitarian service all over the world for literally the cost of food and fun.  Start thinking differently about the possibilities for your family as you enjoy this fresh approach to family enrichment.  Make sure you also access all of the resources available from Dale and Michelle through their website, http://www.havekids-willtravel.com.

Tags: Enriching Families, Parenting, Travel, Traveling with Kids

Your brain has been equipped with a “Fight or Flight” mechanism to help keep you safe. One clear problem that this creates is that family problems are usually made worse by fighting. In fact, with some families that come to our office, fighting IS the main problem that is bothering them.

Fighting is a choice. It doesn’t feel like it is a choice when you are locked into your fight or flight response. To reclaim your choice, you have to reclaim your brain. Take a time out and focus on your breathing to get the brain turned back on so you can think.

Parents often get pulled into the fighting because they don’t see any other options. Remember that it is more important to do what’s right than to respond immediately. You can always buy some time and then gather and collect your resources.

Kids are dealing with their own fight or flight responses, and when parents are fighting it invites kids to fight as well. Remember one of the basic rules of parenting is to invite kids to think not fight.

Tags: Fighting, Parenting, Parenting Advice, Stop Fighting, Think not Fight

In our last episode about discipline as teaching, not punishment, we generated a few comments and responses from parents who disagreed with the strategies that we presented.

Any strategy that we use as parents is a tool. Some tools are very basic and relatively harmless, while others are power tools which must be used with caution. Power tools are very useful for the purposes they serve, but only when used according to the guidelines and instructions.

Behavioral change in children can serve at least two purposes. The first and most important purpose is to assist the child to have a better and more successful life. The second and distracting purpose is to make the parent’s life easier. If we use behavioral tools for primarily the second purpose, we are in danger.

Every strategy we use as a parent should be couched in love and respect. In using power tools this way, we stand the greatest chance of accomplishing the goals we have as parents and not causing damage to our relationships or our children.

Tags: discipline, love and discipline, Parenting, power tools for parents

We’ve taught the technique of using something that is valued by your child as a cost that they pay for “hiring” you to clean their room or do some other service for them that they were supposed to do in the first place. A father writes, “I have a question regarding the concept of claiming an item of value from my child’s room after cleaning it for them. I have done it and it worked as expected, but I have a hard time justifying it mentally. If I turn it around, and I forget to get my jobs done one day and my child cleans my room for me and then claims something from my room, I would be outraged. Why is it acceptable for a parent to do that?

Regarding this dad’s question, we would invite you to look at it a little differently. You are not doing this as a punishment, but as a learning opportunity with the objective of assisting your child to move to a higher stage of maturity. This is your job as a parent.

Your child does not have the same responsibility as you do to teach (although you will definitely learn things from them). Parents and children are not on equal footing in terms of stewardship and responsibility.

There is also an interesting “legal” definition of ownership in which a child cannot legally own something until age 18. All of that stuff is yours, and you are choosing to use it as a resource in helping your child to gain something of greater value.

Tags: discipline, Parenting, Teaching, teaching children

Rebecca writes:  I have heard it taught that anger is something we “choose”. I know it can be addictive and build as well. (Anger is something I have really had to struggle with as a parent.) So, will you help me understand why “the world” says it’s “ok” to be angry…that it’s unhealthy to teach our children that it’s not “ok” to be angry…when other teachings contradict that?

Anger is a natural and normal emotion that is felt universally.  There is nothing inherently “right” or “wrong” about being angry.  Some of the opinions and attitudes that are held about anger can lead us to feel that there is something wrong with us if we feel anger. Anger serves as a useful signal that something isn’t working for us.

It is healthy to teach children that they will have a broad variety of experiences in their life including a range of different emotions.  Having discussions with children and also with teens about the different kinds of emotions can help them to start being more sensitive to their own experience.  Teaching them that certain emotions are not “OK” can lead to their becoming more emotionally shut down, which always has an impact on developing and maintaining relationships.

In connection with teaching children about the various emotions they can experience, it is essential to assist them also in seeing that there are consequences to their choices as to how they express these emotions.  To act out in anger could lead to some heavy costs in their life.  Providing a safe and loving environment where children can express their feelings gives them the resource to both feel and learn.

Tags: anger, emotional intelligence, teaching children about anger

Children (and really all people) are in a frequent position of disagreeing with others, including those who are in authority over them.  How can we as parents teach our children to communicate their disagreement in a respectful way?

Respect is perhaps one of the most important qualities we can instill in our children.  Respecting yourself and others is the first rule for a happy home, followed closely by respecting property.

Understanding is not the same thing as agreeing.  Sometimes we become very defensive or upset when we are faced with another’s point of view because we fear that really listening or understanding indicates that we agree.  Teach children to listen to understand.

When we do not agree with someone there are civil and appropriate ways to communicate this disagreement.  Avoid name-calling, even if it is in a joking or teasing manner.  A return to civility implies that we teach our children good old fashioned etiquette and politeness.

Tags: civility, disagreement, politeness, respect, teaching children respect

Cynthia shared a comment in response to our “Disrespectful Behavior” episode in which she says, “When you talked about the tantrum that would predictably follow a consequence and giving the child time to resolve the problem, I love that and have used that.  However, what would you do if the child will not disengage from you.  For example, you try to give them space to let the storm pass, but they continue to follow you in an attempt to continue the battle.  Any ideas or suggestions?”

Physical separation or removal from the situation can give the child the time to cool off, or may give the parent time to cool off.  Focus here on what you control.  If your child is too big for you to enforce his or her being separate, take yourself out of the equation.

It isn’t fair that everyone has to deal with the consequences of someone in the family having a storm.  This is true – even though it is not fair, it may be the very situation that you have so let’s deal with it.  Getting off of the fairness train will allow you to think about and evaluate your options given the situation.

You train people how to respond to you.  Consider that your child’s following you around or continuing to engage in the conflict is exactly what he has found to work for him in the past.  Changing your own response creates a whole different context for your child to respond to you.

Tags: discipline, Disrespectful Behavior, Parenting, teaching children

In our previous episode, we were joined by LeeAnn Taylor, who is a mother of five children. Three of those have fragile X syndrome. LeeAnn is with us again today to help us teach our kids about special needs of others.

Siblings of children who have special needs often feel neglected or misunderstood, or that their parents are not available to them.  For children who do not have siblings with special needs, they will have opportunities to encounter and interact with kids with special needs as well.

It helps children to understand the needs and then to receive something special themselves.  It gives them opportunities that are unique, special, and just for them.

It helps them build confidence that they can handle it, and that they can make a difference in someone else’s life. Find LeeAnn at www.leeanntaylorstory.com.

Tags: empathy, Parenting, teaching children about special needs

LeeAnn Taylor is a mother of five children, three of whom have fragile X syndrome.

This is not your fault.

You can handle it.  The child that comes into your life is the child for you.  Everything that you have within you is what that child needs, and vice versa.

You are not alone.  There are resources all around you. Take care of yourself and keep moving forward. www.leeanntaylorstory.com is the place where you can connect with LeeAnn.

Tags: Parenting, parenting children with special needs, special needs resources