Parental Power

Rebecca writes:  I have heard it taught that anger is something we “choose”. I know it can be addictive and build as well. (Anger is something I have really had to struggle with as a parent.) So, will you help me understand why “the world” says it’s “ok” to be angry…that it’s unhealthy to teach our children that it’s not “ok” to be angry…when other teachings contradict that?

Anger is a natural and normal emotion that is felt universally.  There is nothing inherently “right” or “wrong” about being angry.  Some of the opinions and attitudes that are held about anger can lead us to feel that there is something wrong with us if we feel anger. Anger serves as a useful signal that something isn’t working for us.

It is healthy to teach children that they will have a broad variety of experiences in their life including a range of different emotions.  Having discussions with children and also with teens about the different kinds of emotions can help them to start being more sensitive to their own experience.  Teaching them that certain emotions are not “OK” can lead to their becoming more emotionally shut down, which always has an impact on developing and maintaining relationships.

In connection with teaching children about the various emotions they can experience, it is essential to assist them also in seeing that there are consequences to their choices as to how they express these emotions.  To act out in anger could lead to some heavy costs in their life.  Providing a safe and loving environment where children can express their feelings gives them the resource to both feel and learn.

Tags: anger, emotional intelligence, teaching children about anger

Children (and really all people) are in a frequent position of disagreeing with others, including those who are in authority over them.  How can we as parents teach our children to communicate their disagreement in a respectful way?

Respect is perhaps one of the most important qualities we can instill in our children.  Respecting yourself and others is the first rule for a happy home, followed closely by respecting property.

Understanding is not the same thing as agreeing.  Sometimes we become very defensive or upset when we are faced with another’s point of view because we fear that really listening or understanding indicates that we agree.  Teach children to listen to understand.

When we do not agree with someone there are civil and appropriate ways to communicate this disagreement.  Avoid name-calling, even if it is in a joking or teasing manner.  A return to civility implies that we teach our children good old fashioned etiquette and politeness.

Tags: civility, disagreement, politeness, respect, teaching children respect

Cynthia shared a comment in response to our “Disrespectful Behavior” episode in which she says, “When you talked about the tantrum that would predictably follow a consequence and giving the child time to resolve the problem, I love that and have used that.  However, what would you do if the child will not disengage from you.  For example, you try to give them space to let the storm pass, but they continue to follow you in an attempt to continue the battle.  Any ideas or suggestions?”

Physical separation or removal from the situation can give the child the time to cool off, or may give the parent time to cool off.  Focus here on what you control.  If your child is too big for you to enforce his or her being separate, take yourself out of the equation.

It isn’t fair that everyone has to deal with the consequences of someone in the family having a storm.  This is true – even though it is not fair, it may be the very situation that you have so let’s deal with it.  Getting off of the fairness train will allow you to think about and evaluate your options given the situation.

You train people how to respond to you.  Consider that your child’s following you around or continuing to engage in the conflict is exactly what he has found to work for him in the past.  Changing your own response creates a whole different context for your child to respond to you.

Tags: discipline, Disrespectful Behavior, Parenting, teaching children

In our previous episode, we were joined by LeeAnn Taylor, who is a mother of five children. Three of those have fragile X syndrome. LeeAnn is with us again today to help us teach our kids about special needs of others.

Siblings of children who have special needs often feel neglected or misunderstood, or that their parents are not available to them.  For children who do not have siblings with special needs, they will have opportunities to encounter and interact with kids with special needs as well.

It helps children to understand the needs and then to receive something special themselves.  It gives them opportunities that are unique, special, and just for them.

It helps them build confidence that they can handle it, and that they can make a difference in someone else’s life. Find LeeAnn at www.leeanntaylorstory.com.

Tags: empathy, Parenting, teaching children about special needs

LeeAnn Taylor is a mother of five children, three of whom have fragile X syndrome.

This is not your fault.

You can handle it.  The child that comes into your life is the child for you.  Everything that you have within you is what that child needs, and vice versa.

You are not alone.  There are resources all around you. Take care of yourself and keep moving forward. www.leeanntaylorstory.com is the place where you can connect with LeeAnn.

Tags: Parenting, parenting children with special needs, special needs resources

Jamie was talking to Vicki recently and brought up a question about what to do with or about children who are being disrespectful and defiant.

Your authority as a parent is determined by two factors.  First, you have to be able to set and enforce appropriate limits.  Second, you have to be seen as a provider of good times and good things.  Find a good balance of these two factors in order to establish a position of authority with your children.

Respect is not free, but must be earned.  We generally want to teach our children respect, but for them to respect us we have to earn that respect by showing them that we are more powerful than they are and that we love them unconditionally.  This knowledge helps to settle children emotionally.

With any age of child, choosing the right kind of consequences is a key to providing effective discipline.  Become very clear in your own mind about what you control and what you don’t, then select consequences that you can enforce no matter what your child thinks.

Tags: discipline, Parenting, respect, teaching children respect

Torri left a comment on our episode about Teens and Cell Phones and asks, “what are your thoughts on the appropriateness of Facebook?  I have a 10 year old sister in law who just joined facebook, and my husband’s cousin has a daughter who is five years old and just joined facebook also – I was really shocked!”

Technology is like power tools.  Things like Facebook are not inherently bad, but they are dangerous because of their power.

Power tools are not to be used without adult supervision, and there are age and maturity guidelines for their use.  Just like the ratings on video games or movies, the content and experience of any particular site are better suited for people who are sufficiently mature to be safe and to use the technology appropriately.

It’s not just your kids you need to worry about.  Predators and nefarious characters are using social networking to target children, or to target users in general through hijacking or hacking into other’s accounts for their shady agendas.

You wouldn’t put your five-year-old behind the wheel of the family minivan.  Age and maturity guidelines in the ever-changing world of technology are there to assist parents in protecting their children.

Tags: children and facebook, children and technology, internet safety, Parenting

In this age of information, communication, and technology, mobile phones have become an undeniable part of our culture and lifestyle.

Children at younger and younger ages are becoming aware of and having a desire to use technology including cell phones.  There are many good reasons to consider allowing your pre-teen child to carry a cell phone, but there are many pitfalls as well.

A cell phone is not a substitute for adult supervision.  Some parents are lulled into a sense of security thinking that they can contact or be contacted by their child at any time through the cell phone, and then they relax some of the standards or restrictions as a result. Your child’s level of maturity is still the determining factor in deciding whether to allow any particular privilege.

Use of a cell phone differs from ownership of a cell phone.  For less mature kids who cannot yet pay for the privilege of owning a cell phone, parents might consider having a “kid’s phone” which can be checked out as needed to any of the children and which has limited services attached to it.

Tags: kids and cell phones, kids and technology, Parenting

In this age of information, communication, and technology, mobile phones have become an undeniable part of our culture and lifestyle.

Relationships with friends become extremely important to teens – staying connected with those friends often happens through the cell phone.  Many teens use their phone more for texting than they do for actual conversation.  Parents will benefit from being educated about the technology and finding ways to incorporate it into their paradigm rather than resisting it.

Having a cell phone is a privilege, not a right.  Teens who have grown up around and into this technology may begin to feel an entitlement to it.  Their appreciation and proper use of the technology will be enhanced as they earn the privilege of having a cell phone, including paying for the cost.

Parents have a responsibility to talk to their teens about the appropriate and inappropriate use of a cell phone and other technology. Cell phone carriers can assist parents in letting them know what they can do to monitor and place limits on usage.

Tags: kids and technology, Parenting, parenting teens, teens and cell phones

Often we get stuck saying “No” as a parent.  From the time our children are very young through the time that they are teens and young adults, a parent is constantly setting limits.

Most people respond more favorably to a positive approach rather than a negative approach.  Can you say the same thing in a more positive way?

Most parents would admit that they really mean “yes, IF” rather than “no”.

Train your children to give you some time and space to make a good decision and possibly come up with an answer they like better.

Tags: Parenting, positive parenting, saying yes