The Birds And The Bees
Jun 3rd, 2008 by Dr. Paul
Our children are going to learn about sex and sexuality somehow and somewhere. As we become more comfortable ourselves about this topic, and find ways to introduce and teach these concepts to our children, we do a huge service to them. As is the case with other topics we have discussed, it is important to understand where you personally stand as a parent, and then keep those lines of communication open. At least two important components are to share appropriate information to educate your children, and secondly to set appropriate limits and boundaries. Please share resources or ideas you are aware of to help other parents with this sensitive issue.
I wanted to ask a quick question about the call today. Both my husband and I were raised in those types of families where the subject of sex was taboo for the most part. There were times when each of our parents tried, but it was humiliating and/or to late. We both have had pasts as well, quite probably because of our parents comfort level with the subject. Both of us have a pretty low comfort level in talking to our kids. However, we have accepted our pasts and are trying to do the right thing for our kids. My question is, what tools should we be using to help us be in the right frame of mind to be more comfortable? How do we make it better for our kids?
Answers sometimes come with questions in my own mind, so here are a few thoughts I just had as I asked the questions.
1. Getting over our pasts was huge and we need to continue to recognize if we are slipping back into the embarrassed mode with our kids because of the past.
2. Recognizing and accepting our children’s agency is huge in opening doors to helping them make good decisions.
3. Ask other parents, we admire, how they handle these situations and apply those things that would make sense for our family.
4. Recognize the consequences of ignoring the issue and use this as a motivation to approach the topic in a more natural way. Not fearing the consequences, but being aware.
5. Listen to the feelings inside. I think we all know what it is we should be doing and what it is that our kids need. We need to take time to really look at our kids with the sole purpose of understanding who they are and what their needs are. Then listen as we approach the topic to those simple promptings as we tap into that knowledge.
6. God will always help a parent with questions if we go to Him. They are His kids too.
I would love to hear anyone else’s feedback on this. Also, how maybe you have dealt with a similar situation. Our kids are pretty touchy feely, this has been hard for us as parents to help them act appropriately without getting scared and acting in line with that fear.
I appreciate the topic and the knowledge that Dr. Paul, Vicki, and Dr. Jason had. Thanks Vicki for once again asking great questions.
~Jackie
Jackie,
Thanks for the thoughtful post. I am sure that many others have benefited from reading your post. My experience in working with families is that many, many others experience what you and your husband experienced in learning about sex. It was a difficult subject to talk about in my home growing up and still is for many, many families. The good news is that we are not alone and many can relate to your story.
I also noticed in your post that you have thought through this topic very well. Your thoughts regarding solutions to your questions posed, were very insightful. I especially liked your comment about slipping back into “embarrased mode.” I think we all can do this when we think of our past in whatever context we might feel embarrased.
One thing I have found helpful when I fall back into the embarrassed mode is to look at myself from the perspective of a very good friend. Our good friends (who know us very well) tend to see us as better people because they know where we are now and where we’ve been. They see us kindly and see us as strong because we have overcome difficult things.
I think as each of us practice looking at ourselves with kindness and acceptance, knowing where we are now and where we came from, we focus on our growth rather than our problems in the past. Dr. Paul has talked on numerous occasions about leveraging our liabilities and realizing that each of us is powerful and valuable to others because of our complete “package.”
In essence we are wonderful and inspiring to others because of our strengths and weaknesses. In fact, most often people are seen as extraordinary when we see what they have overcome. Team Hoyt is a great example of ordinary people who became extraordinary and inspirational to millions because of what they overcame together.
Check out this link if you have not already seen the video.
In the case of discussing the topic of intimacy with your kids, it sounds like you are doing very well in thinking through the process and you have some good tools already to promote productive discussions. We talked about some good tools on the call that can help make the discussion easier. I think asking your child what they know about the subject already is a great tool. Focusing on the specialness of physical intimacy couched within your family value system will also be important. Also remember that your kids are interested in talking about this subject even if they may feel uncomfortable in the beginning. Furthermore, they tend to hear everything you say even if it looks like they are not listening.
Thanks again for the post. I enjoyed your thought provoking comments.
~Dr. Jason
Jackie,
Here is the link to the Team Hoyt video that I forgot to put in the last post. There are many videos about them on YouTube. You may need to copy the URL into your browser if the link does not work. If that does not work go to YouTube and type in Team Hoyt in the search to find the videos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uulmhtAeGI
~Dr. Jason
[...] with teens. The topic of the show was talking to kids about sex - one that we have taken on in Parental Power recently. Interesting that this topic is the one that has had the most hits on internet searches [...]