I’m Afraid You’ll Die!
Dec 8th, 2009 by Dr. Paul
Stayce, one of our subscribers, writes: “How do I help a child who is feeling scared that her daddy or I will die?”
Death is one of the most universal fears. At around age five, children start to become aware of their own mortality and that of others around them, particularly their parents or other close loved ones. Create an openness about talking about the issue. Don’t try to avoid or shelter children from the reality of death.
Don’t make promises that you can’t keep. “Oh honey, I’m not going to die” – say something more like “We are going to do everything we can to be safe and well” – that’s why we wear seatbelts, exercise, etc. When children are ready for it, you can also talk about how we plan and prepare for events like death through making sure there are things in place to assist those who are still here like life insurance, wills, family support etc.
Answer the “what-if” question with compassion, empathy, and support. Use life’s experiences to help teach the principles (pets, grandparents, the news, etc.)
Death is not an “if” issue, but more of a “when and how” issue. As much as we don’t like this particular topic, it is definitely a part of life. Accept, acknowledge, and support as you help your children also to answer the scary questions.
I appreciated your counsel not to say, “I’m not going to die!” It is so much wiser, as you said, to assure the child that you are doing all you can to stay safe and healthy. When my husband drowned, my children were not prepared (nor was I) because we’d never talked about death. How much better to take Dr. Paul’s advice and prepare now, and then find a time that you can talk about your preparations and assure the children that they will be cared for in any eventuality.
Thank you, Dr. Paul!